Tom’s Monster Diet Burger — Eat Big, Eat Healthy
You’ll thank me for this. A great-tasting meal of meat that’s non-fattening and Atkin’s Diet friendly!
One of the guiding principles in my culinary experiementation is recipe self-tailoring. I modify and tweak dishes to better suit my superior tastes and preferences. I try to minimize the things that I’m not particularly fond of while maximizing the elements that I prefer. This is the principle which culminated in today’s culinary masterpiece.
Ground beef is a central pillar supporting America’s menu. Without it, our country’s food infrastructure would crumble and collapse. As a loyal American citizen, I love a good hamburger. But how could I make it even better?
Minimize the bad, maximize the good! Follow along with me in your kitchen.
Here’s what you need:
At least 1 lb. of ground beef (or equivalent), 1 onion, 1 tomato, cheese, mayo, condiments, salt, pepper, cayenne pepper, 1 egg, and iced tea. I actually used buffalo burger on this occasion. It is expensive but tastes fantastic! It’s a rare luxury, I don’t normally have it. Notice the tomato slicer my Mom gave me! I couldn’t find one anywhere so she gave me hers.
Notice what we’re missing? The bun! Yes, let’s eliminate that carb-filled fattening meat-diluter and keep our burger tasty and healthy!
First of all, let’s get that burger frying.
Make sure you shake on plenty of salt and pepper, and if you care to dash on some cayenne pepper. While it’s frying, slice the onion and tomato. Drink plenty of iced tea throughout this procedure.
When the burger is nearly done frying, top with grated cheese. Remove when cooked to desired degree. Then throw some butter into the frying pan, followed by the sliced onions.
Fry the onions hard, then dump them all on the burger.
We need lots of mayo.
Add other condiments at this time. I might have put the mayo and condi’s on before the onion, but I forgot.
Another thing I forgot was the egg! But fortunately for you, I remember now. Fry one egg, and throw it on top at this time.
Crown this sterling achievement with a bunch of tomato slices. Eat the leftover slices plain.
Immediately consume with plenty of iced tea!
Feeds one person.
13 Responses
February 22nd, 2005 at 5:34 pm
sounds good cept fer one thing. i ain’t much fer onions, so i’d give them to my dad. he loves em. jist a suggestion. otherwize it sounds awsome!!
February 22nd, 2005 at 7:30 pm
GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
February 22nd, 2005 at 8:13 pm
Sounds Wonderful!!
February 22nd, 2005 at 10:48 pm
I’m with you except for the onions. That REALLY looks like alot of onions. Do you have friends?
Oh, and grilled. Grill it yet and I’m with you. And don’t use snow as an excuse, I’ve grilled steaks outside in the dead of winter, not recently or regularly, but I have done it.
Ag
February 23rd, 2005 at 9:21 am
Just don’t ask me to be singing with you after you have consumed one of these cuisine delicacies. I would hate to have you (or anyone else, no offense to you, Tom) breathe on me with the heavy onion smell lingering. Don’t get me wrong, I love onion, but in moderation.
I just don’t sing it before concerts. Two reasons:
1) The smell lingers
2) It affects your breathing.
a)It gives you the inappropriate urge to belch at inopportune times.
b)It also can have the tendency to make you hick-up (or however you spell that word.)
Both bad for holding a low note.
February 23rd, 2005 at 11:23 am
Naomi said…
Tom, what’s up with the photo op again? You used a real iced tea glass. I’d have figured that a plastic SOLO cup would have been good enough for this photo shoot. :)
It appears that this is either a hate it or love it dish, with exception to the amount of onions. I’m not sure which way I lean. My first impression was “Yuck!” But the more I look over it, I might change my mind. Only I’m not sure about the egg… why an egg? Just to be more Atkins friendly? And where is the lettuce? I’d definitely have to put shredded lettuce on mine. And of course I would have to cut the portion size at least in half, probably in fourths. How can anyone eat a whole pound of burger with all the fixin’s at one sitting?! (Is that really a Diet Burger?)
–Naomi
PS. Vernon, you probably meant that you don’t “eat” it [onion, that is] before concerts.
February 23rd, 2005 at 12:08 pm
At least someone is paying attention! Thanks Naomi, that is truly what I meant.
February 23rd, 2005 at 2:42 pm
Yes, Naomi, it is a diet burger. It consists entirely of healthy and beneficial foods, no fat-breeding carbs in the form of a bun. Because it is so healthy, you are allowed to bloat the serving size to massive proportions.
Lettuce is ok, you can add that if you want. It’s healthy.
A fried egg is a wonderful addition to a burger! Try it sometime. Eggs are wonderful. I’m still working on my poetic masterpiece about eggs.
One-pound burgers aren’t that uncommon. Down at the old truck stop at home (the Pioneer Villa), they offer a wonderful one-pounder they call the Overload. It’s not as good as mine, but it’s still pretty good.
February 23rd, 2005 at 10:48 pm
One of my favorite burgers at Red Robin has a fried egg in it!
I’m with Naomi–I could probably down at most half of the monster diet burger in one sitting.
And I would have a bun with mine. I LOVE bread and buns. But for being a bunless burger, it sounds and looks yummy, onions and all.
EG
February 24th, 2005 at 8:25 am
Looks kinda gross to me. But then again, if I’d take off the egg, tomatoe, and onion, and maybe add lettuce, I’d probobly like it. Although it’s pretty big…
February 26th, 2005 at 11:58 pm
Tom, I’ve just discovered your blog and feel obligated to let you and the rest of the world know that you owe much of your literary greatness to me. I realized that you were uniquely gifted and downright funny at a very early age (yours, not mine) and sailed through my high school Creative Writing class with my ever popular “Tommy stories”. For example, your deep insight on self image at the age of two. You were looking in the mirror saying, “I’m ugly”. I tried unsuccessfully to convince you that you were cute but you eventually decided, “I’m just right.” Obviously you still understand that (also a good haircut helps)! Carry on!
February 27th, 2005 at 8:31 am
Big Sis of Tom,
They say that behind every good man, lies a good woman. You just proved the theory. ;)
Ag